DEALING WITH CRITICISM
Dealing with criticism isn't always easy.
Developing a healthy attitude toward criticism,
however, is undoubtedly a worthwhile endeavor. So, let's talk about criticism, how to sort it out, deal
with it and how to use it constructively.
Not all criticisms are equal.
Not all
critics' intents are good, but some are -- and it is not only important,
it is beneficial to
learn the difference.
Destructive criticism leaves the recipient feeling bad. It is not really intended to help the recipient. Its primary
uses include
to hurt someone; to cut someone into shreds by destroying or undermining someone's self esteem; to create guilt and/or to
humiliate someone.
Destructive criticism is a weapon.
Constructive criticism doesn't leave the recipient feeling bad.
On the contrary, it leaves the recipient feeling that he or she
is not only doing something good but can improve on it. It is positive and shows a better way or path.
Yet we often run into people who will follow a compliment of that's good with
the dreaded "but" and then set forth their opinion as to what's
wrong.
Criticism is a really good area to apply the saying that you can't control what other people do but you can change the way
you react to it. When criticism comes your way, a good way to sort it out
is to apply
filters. Listen and try to identify the part or parts that can be of help to you,
if any. Remember that
you can learn from criticism and decide to accept it when the critic's intentions are good.
But if you feel that the person is being unfair or negative, you don't have to
accept that. If there is a person who is continuously offering you unsolicited destructive criticism, avoid that
person
to the extent that you can. Do not seek the opinion of a person that you know is not going to give you a sincere opinion.
If you find yourself reacting badly to criticism all
the time, a good thing to do is check out your own self-esteem and make sure that's not a factor in your reacting badly.
This is very important. If, for instance, you have recently been through
some traumatic events in your life, you may indeed react very negatively to any
criticism because you need time and space to heal from a traumatic
event.
Whatever you think the critic's
intention are, you can say:
"Do you think that's a fair assessment?"
"If you were me, what would you do?"
"Let me think about what you just said and we'll
discuss it."
Don't feed into the criticism by saying "yes, but ..." and
try to explain why the criticism is unjustified. What
you want to do is stop the criticism. Listen to it. Evaluate its merits.
Then you can decide by yourself if it has any value. You can stop someone from criticizing you even in public by saying "You could be right, let's go somewhere else to
discuss it." or "Let me think about that."
We all make mistakes and sometimes need criticism.
But it doesn't have to become a statement on our self-worth. If you
deserve the criticism, simply admit that you have made a mistake and ask what steps you should take in the future to avoid
making the same mistake.
If normal dialogue doesn't work and you can't escape or deal with a harsh critic because you are in a relationship with him
or her or because it is a family member, then you are in an abusive situation where you should seek outside help.
Remember that your self-esteem is a very valuable asset and take whatever steps are necessary to protect it.
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